


Porcelain

by Socket



Category: The Bill
Genre: Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-25
Updated: 2016-05-25
Packaged: 2018-06-10 15:37:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6962803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Socket/pseuds/Socket
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The wrong words keep coming out of his mouth when he's with her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Porcelain

**Timeline:** Episode 332 (Post Ramani finding out about Terry and Lucy)

  


The rain pours from the forlorn sky and Terry hears it pelting against his windscreen, but he's thinking of Ramani, of her expression when she asked if Ben would understand what was between him and Lucy, and he had no words. No answer - because there is no explanation for this.

He's at a T-junction, watching the traffic lights turn from green to red, then back to green. He doesn't want to go home because Lucy will be there, waiting for him.

Since the affair with Lucy began, he's tried to tell Ramani – at first he wanted her to talk him out of it, but as the situation grew more complicated, he purposefully kept it from her, scared of Ramani's disapproval, of her scorn… and he couldn't face losing her… Being around De Costa feels safe; the only time he trusts himself is when he's with her, she's taught him how to move on, how to free himself from the demons of his childhood.

Terry had turned to Lucy because she was convenient. He's ashamed of his actions now but he had wanted to escape Ramani's hold over him and now, he's ruined everything.

He feels like porcelain and De Costa is breaking him - smashing, shattering, destroying - and he's letting her. He's in pieces and he wants to cut her with the shards of his heart. Wants to see her bleed because of him, because he loves her and can't have her, because he belongs to Lucy.

And he knows Ramani could never hate him, whatever he's capable of - he's seen her goodness and he despises himself for hurting her, for letting her down, and maybe that's why he's letting her crash her way through his life, letting her accusations and rebuttals affect him.

Terry wanted a reaction from her but he can't figure out if he wanted her approval or her jealousy. Maybe he wanted to punish her for not feeling the same way about him as he felt for her. Or maybe he's being self-destructive, to save Ramani from him… to spare her more pain. But there are too many maybes and not enough answers.

The lights turn red and the rain falls harder. Lucy will be waiting.

Terry sucks in a deep breath. His mind is filled with Ramani De Costa, the dry-humoured, tell-it-like-it-is softie whom he depends on more than he should. His friend, his ally, his colleague…

The lights turn to green again and he doesn't move. A car behind beeps and Terry tightens his grip on the steering wheel. He doesn't want to go home, he doesn't want to fall asleep tonight… because now, when he sleeps, he dreams of being held by Ramani, of her letting him go and he falls to the ground, shattering like porcelain. In tiny pieces. A million pieces. And she's crying, crouching over the fragments and trying to put him back together.

He awakens with a start, mirroring her tears. Lucy asks him what's wrong and he lies - tells her it's a nightmare from his childhood and they fall into silence. They lay side-by-side in his bed and his heart beats fast, his mind trapped in a haze of confusion: Ramani's clouding his judgement. She always does.

The wrong words keep coming out of his mouth when he's with her, like their argument this morning… and the harder he tries to get back their friendship, the harder it is to reach her. Ramani's pushing him away and he can understand why… but now he's porcelain. Fragile and breakable. And soon, very soon, he's going to fall, going to smash and all that will remain are pieces of him and a promise, to Ramani, of what could have been.


End file.
